My Fair Ladyboy
by psychosniper
Summary: Cloud dons a dress, wig and a new name at ShinRa's Halloween ball in an attempt to prank Zack. Sephiroth is in need of a date, and the New Girl is fortunately single. Spiked punch leads to an awkward, naked encounter. When Zack finds out the next day...


**The rating is for suggestiveness, language and themes. I probably won't be taking it any further than that because I don't want to ruin the story with unnecessary stuff. That said, please enjoy what I've got and bear in mind it's meant to be stupid, since I felt like diverging a lot of the tension fics I've been finding on here with something completely wacky. Cloud in a dress is just too fun to leave alone.**

When Cloud woke up, his head was pounding. Like there was a tiny drummer trapped inside his skull, banging away on his instruments to let the cage know he wanted _out_. It hurt like something unreal, and when he opened his eyes, he immediately shut them again as the tiniest slither of light felt like A Thousand Needles. He raised a sluggish hand, eyes remaining tight-shut, and pressed the cool flesh of his palm to his forehead. It felt good and eased him a little.

He shifted from _wherever _he was, feeling like something was trapped underneath his body. His tongue was thick and there was a weird taste in the back of his throat, like stale alcohol, fruit loops and spicy chicken pizza. _Weird. _He felt around experimentally, first to his left, where he flinched at the cold contact with what he guessed was the floor, and then retracted his hand when he put it in something sticky. _Ew_. Then, when he felt around his other side, he nearly had a heart attack; _years _of training kept him from screaming like a little girl.

There was something soft, warm and _alive _at his right side. And, as soon as he became aware of it, his brain tuned in to its breathing. Deep, slow and rhythmic. Whoever, or _whatever_, it was, they were asleep. Cloud could be thankful of that much. But then came the nefarious question:

What had happened the night before?

Cloud could remember nothing but loud music and bright lights. His wits allowed him to gather he'd passed out drunk some time during the late/early hours, from the taste on his breath and the general smell of the area around him. He _hoped _to whatever gods were listening that he hadn't done anything intensely embarrassing, like accosted anyone or stripped for an entire audience, and he could only _pray _that whoever was lying next to him was just a drinking buddy who'd crashed the same as him. But a sinking feeling in his gut told him this wasn't the case, (_that,_ and the fact that he was completely naked, judging by a quick once-over), and so he could only hope it wasn't someone he'd regret ever being in the same _lifetime _with, let alone ever meeting them.

_Okay, Cloud_, he tried to calm himself, _open your eyes. No use delaying the inevitable. It can't be that bad. Please don't let it be that bad._

A thousand names ran through his mind as he braced himself for the impact, each one steadily worse than the next. _Please be that cute receptionist girl who keeps stalking me_, he begged as he slid his eyes open, slowly. With bated breath, as he got used to the light and ignored the stab of pain that ran through his head, he turned his eyes to his right…

"Oh-my-_GOD_!"

"_This is Cloud. Please leave a message, and I'll get back to you when I can._"

"Yo Cloud, where are you?" Zack strummed his fingers on the table impatiently, glaring out the window from his seat in his favourite diner. "You're twenty minutes late, bro. Did you get held up at the Midget Convention? Not cool. I swear, if I have to wait another ten, I'm callin' your mama to tell her I think she's hot. I got her number on speed dial - she's under 'Cloud's kinky-hot super mom who so wants Zack's Whack', if you know what I mean. It's such a shame she gave birth to a slim-jim son, 'cause she could have been a _legend _at Corneo's-"

"Sorry I'm late, Zack. Traffic." Cloud appeared out of nowhere and took a seat in front of his raven-haired friend. With a sly grin, Zack snapped his phone shut. "Who were you talking to?"

"Ah, no one important," he replied with a nonchalant wave. Cloud eyed him for a moment, and then took a menu that lay unused in the middle of the table. "You bring your bike?" Zack took the dessert menu and flipped through instead, gil burning in his pocket when he looked at some of the prices; it seemed the place had had a renovation since they last came and had decided to up their profit intake.

"Yeah," Cloud replied, entertaining similar thoughts, "Why?"

"Oh, just wondering." Zack kept his tone light, but Cloud knew there was something fishy going on in his mind. Like always. So, like a good SOLDIER, he kept his guard up waiting for the inevitable. "What're you having? It's on me."

Cloud blinked at the random act of charity, then looked up to see Zack's eyes slowly move to a waitress bending over to serve coffee at a table nearby. He rolled his eyes; he should have known. But, since Zack felt so giving today…

"I'll have the house special, extra large - no, make that a super combo. And I'll have three side orders of fries and shrimp, extra large shake, and-" he glanced at the triple banoffee pie on the back of Zack's menu, ironically triple the price, and said, "-and the banoffee pie. Extra large, too."

"Mm, yeah, better tell the waitress," Zack mumbled absently, and Cloud watched in sickened amusement as Zack seemed to lean over his seat to get closer to the woman - moreover, the _ass _- he was ogling. Cloud, with a smirk, signalled for another waitress, one distinctly less young and a hundred times less attractive, and gave her his request. She grunted and nodded sourly at Zack, who hadn't even noticed her arrival.

"What about him?" She said in a gravely voice that made Cloud wonder if she'd been a man once. Cloud kicked Zack in the shin, and he turned back with a scowl, before noticing the waitress. Cloud almost laughed at the about-face he _literally _made.

"I'll have whatever he's having," said Zack, quickly and with a nod towards Cloud - who smiled widely. Zack was too busy trying not to turn back around to notice. The waitress grumbled something unintelligible - probably in pig-speak - and left. Zack turned around again, but sighed when the ass he'd been ogling wiggled away from his vision.

"Do you _have _to do that?" Cloud said, slouching back against his seat.

"Do what?" Asked Zack innocently, pushing the dessert menu away and crossing his arms.

"Y'know. Leer at every woman you see."

Zack made a face with a distasteful noise coming from his throat. "Oh no, Cloud. Not _every _woman. Only the good-looking ones. You still have much to learn, I see."

Cloud grimaced. "I'm not a perv like you."

"Perv?" Zack sounded outraged. "I'm not a perv. Jeez, Cloud, rail on a guy because he wants a good look? What're you, a _nun_?"

"No." Cloud scrunched up his nose. "But I don't drool in public over the slightest piece of ass I see."

Zack shrugged good-naturedly and grinned at his friend. "I just call 'em as I see 'em, buddy." Cloud rolled his eyes. "So. You coming to ShinRa's annual Halloween bash this Friday?"

Cloud mirrored Zack's earlier shrug. "I dunno. Are SOLDIER even allowed to go?"

"Of course! We gotta make an impression, y'know. The Pres wants us there to make the company look good, or whatever bullshit he came up with this time." Zack said. "We're like, insurance."

Cloud cocked his head. "Insurance?"

"Yeah. Making sure the company's got it down, you know?" Cloud shook his head, having no idea what Zack was talking about. The raven-haired man simply rolled his eyes. "If you were any more clueless, you'd be a dog."

Cloud glared, but ignored the comment. "Is it a dress-up party?"

Zack nodded. "Uh huh." Then he grinned. "They're the best kind, don't you think? Nobody knows who anyone is, so you can pretty much do anything and get away with it."

Cloud knew what Zack was probably thinking about. He didn't need to be a mind reader to work that much out.

"Sephiroth's coming, too." Zack tacked on, garnering more of Cloud's attention than he previously had. Inwardly, he snickered. Like throwing the dog a bone, ironically enough.

"Sephiroth?" Cloud suddenly became interested in the party.

"Yep. He has to come every year. He doesn't dress up, though, which is kind of boring. I dunno about you, but I'd love to see him in some kinda costume - a maid's outfit, ha!" While Zack snickered and slapped his knee, three waitresses approached their table, carrying what they ordered. When Zack caught notice, his eyes widened to an alarming degree, and _that _was when Cloud started laughing.

"Oi…what's this?" Zack said, sounding a little strangled at the sight of all the food.

"Your order," grunted the ugly waitress from before. Zack gulped while Cloud attempted to stifle laughter. "Remember? You wanted the same as him." She jerked her thumb in Cloud's direction, and Zack's eyes narrowed at Cloud over the table as she and her girls set their plates down. As they left, Zack hissed at Cloud,

"You ordered all _this_?"

Cloud, coughing from laughing so much, said, "you were too busy ogling. It's all on you, remember?"

Zack's eyes were slits as he regarded Cloud, but he stuck a hand forward and put a finger in his slice of banoffee pie, a look of content appearing on his face when he put it in his mouth. "You're lucky this is good," he told Cloud, and then decided to start eating. Cloud watched in horrific fascination as his companion began wolfing down his food with frightening fervour. Zack could eat anyone under the table - Cloud knew from experience - but even so, watching him was like watching a vacuum. He ate off his own plate while keeping an eye on Zack, and conversation was minimal apart from a few grunts and hand motions.

Cloud couldn't even eat half of what was in front of him, but Zack had finished his own and was requesting Cloud hand his leftovers to him. Cloud, with an eyebrow raised, complied, sitting back with a hand over his bloated belly, feeling nauseated watching Zack stuff more and more and _more_.

"I don't know how you stomach it all, man," he groaned, looking away purposely. Zack licked his fingers when he was done and chuckled, a wet burp blowing in Cloud's face; the poor boy nearly retched.

"Hollow legs, dude." He replied and leaned back, arms behind his head.

"You'd need a bit more than just hollow legs to put all that away," Cloud said. Zack smiled, a strange glint in his eyes.

"Are you insinuating something there, Strife?"

"Nope." Cloud popped the 'p' and grinned.

"So. Halloween. You coming?"

Cloud looked at the pile of empty plates on the table, then back at Zack who was waiting patiently for an answer. "I guess so. I don't know. Maybe. I'd have to dress up, right?" Zack nodded. "I don't know what I could go as."

"How 'bout a drag queen?" Said Zack innocently. "It's no far cry from your fashion sense already."

Cloud's eyes narrowed. "Are _you _insinuating something?"

"Nope." Zack's lips twisted into a sly smile, and he shifted. "I'll be back in a few. Need the bathroom."

"Gonna puke?" Cloud vindictively hoped so, but was disappointed when Zack shook his head.

"Naw." He winked.

Watching Zack disappear, Cloud then turned his eyes to the window and the world outside the diner, wondering if he should go to the party, and if he chose to, what he would dress as. _Not a drag queen_, he said to himself, picturing Zack in a dress instead and snickering. He imagined several scenarios of embarrassing, awful and plain nasty things happening to Zack-in-a-dress, but his musings were cut _extremely _short when he heard the sound of a familiar engine, and then saw an even more familiar-looking man on _his _bike. Zack gave a sly wave, mouthed _later, sucker! _and sped away from the diner, leaving an outraged, disbelieving Cloud gawking after him.

"Your bill."

Cloud gulped, turning to look at the ugly waitress, who'd suddenly grown five more feet and ten times as mean since he'd seen her before. The receipt she handed him was long and daunting, and Cloud cursed Zack to five hells and more as he gave a sheepish smile to a woman who wasn't swayed at_ all_, and fished out everything he had.

Two hours later, with dish-pan hands and stinking like grease, he exited the diner after working off the rest of his debt in the kitchens, vowing never to eat out with Zack again. _Ever_. Not to mention, he had to _walk_ home. He flipped open his phone to send Zack a hateful text, when he saw he had a voice message. He listened to it.

Passers-by watched on as Cloud's face turned from pale to red to purple, grip on his phone becoming tighter and tighter, and the SOLDIER vowed revenge of the dirtiest kind. Zack would be sorry.


End file.
